You won't hear an Aussie accent in Butch Cassidy's old haunt.
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Most locals in Telluride have a Butch Cassidy story they like to share, though these days Butch is just another celebrity who lived in this town. Here's the Butch saga for you in a nutshell: Cassidy made one of the most daring bank robberies in the history of the American Wild West here in Telluride. It was his first, and his most brazen bank robbery. He spent three days casing out town's two banks, then robbed them one after the other and walked three blocks through town politely tipping his hat to locals. After that he rode his horse out of town with all the loot.
The main thing you've got to understand about this story to get a take on Telluride in your mind is that Butch could show up in town today and do the same thing. Most of Telluride's buildings are on the US National Register of Historic Places.
That's what I love most about this oft-forgotten south-west corner of Colorado: think of everything you see around you in Telluride, then bleed the colour out and it's just like the photos you see on the walls of its bars. There's an old clock tower in the main street, the streets are wide enough for a horse and cart to turn around and there's 150-year-old bars in town with mirrors placed strategically so you can see if the cowboy behind you is about to pull his pistol.
If there's a ski town on this planet that's prettier than this one, I've yet to see it in 25 years of searching. Here's a ski town wedged at the end of a box canyon surrounded by red rock cliffs and frozen waterfalls and the highest concentration of 4000-metre-high mountains in the USA.
After that he rode his horse out of town with all the loot.
Above it - a 15-minute drive along a winding mountain road - is a fancy, modern ski village where you'll find the majority of accommodation, all with ski-in, ski-out convenience. But get this; you can't see one from the other, though they're connected by high-speed gondola. And the sheer scale of the ski mountain they're built around allows you to ski between the two. There's no better moment in global skiing than that moment you see the town of Telluride below you from the ski slopes for the very first time.
Now you've read all this; the other crucial thing to do is to imagine Telluride, and its ski resort, with hardly anyone in it but locals. And with barely a single Australian (compare that to Vail, or Niseko).
I've been coming to Telluride since 2004 and I've heard maybe... five... Australian accents? Telluride is a six-hour drive from Denver - maybe you all think it's hard to get to? But all you need do is fly to a little town called Montrose from LAX (70 minutes) then drive 90 minutes. Which means you're here in about the time it takes to get to Aspen, or Vail.
It's hardly a secret either: so how do you explain the exclusivity? Don Henley (of The Eagles) wrote a song about it, and one of America's biggest country stars, Tim McGraw, wrote a love song called Telluride ("So high up on that mountain, I thought we'd never come down"). Quentin Tarantino filmed one of his movies here (The Hateful Eight). Neil Young and Darryl Hannah (one heck of a power couple) live here, Ralph Lauren does too, and Oprah has a lavish holiday home - and each September, the film industry's biggest names fly here for the Telluride Film Festival.
Yet when I arrive on a sunny afternoon in January, the whole town's standing out on Telluride's main street to watch a helicopter drop explosives on the mountains just behind town to clear snow with an induced avalanche. This, I'm told, is one of the highlights of winter to locals.
"This [bombing] gets all us out," a local tells me. The locals I observe look to be an eclectic collection of drifters, who found somewhere to stick.
I check in at one of the ski resort's best hotels, Madeline Hotel & Residences, and the GM is dishing out free glasses of champagne between blowing on an enormous alpenhorn by the back door, beside a slobbering Saint Bernard.
At his hotel's bar (named as one of the US's best by US travel bible, Travel & Leisure), the bartender has goggle marks sun-burnt onto his face, and gives me a blow-by-blow description of the best runs he skied today on this, the best day of the season.
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Next day, at lunch I dine at one of North America's most awarded on-mountain restaurants, Bon Vivant. The waiters wear ties but there's none of the usual pretense you'll encounter at Europe's best ski restaurants. On the contrary, the GM shovels snow, then puts down the tool to read me the specials.
At the other fine dining on-mountain restaurant, Alpino Vino, Jerry Seinfeld once waited 20 minutes for my table because no-one gets preferential treatment at Telluride (it's all strictly first-in, first-served). At both restaurants, I've eaten fresh lobster delivered that same day from New England on America's north-east coast.
At night there's as many dive bars and cannabis dispensary stores as there are wine bars and restaurants with fancy degustation menus. Homes may cost an average of $US3 million but the best place in town to drink is still the Last Dollar Saloon (call it The Buck, everyone else does), where at happy hour beers cost $US5. No one has to prove anything to anyone in Telluride.
There are less off-piste options here than in Aspen, but in 19 years I haven't managed to find every bar, or every restaurant. As for the skiing - there are 148 ski runs here and chances are you'll ski most of them by yourself, or close to it.
The mountain looks mighty extreme on first glance - but over half of it is marked beginner or intermediate, and every chairlift has a beginner or intermediate ski run off it, meaning even rank beginners can get right to the top.
This year marked my seventh visit to Telluride and still I barely hear another Australian accent. Hard to believe a nation of famously seasoned travellers don't realise the world's best ski town has been right there under their nose all along.
TRIP NOTES
Getting there: Fly to LA with Delta Air Lines, see delta.com, then fly direct to Montrose with United, see united.com, then hire a car.
Staying there: Madeline Hotel & Residences offer luxury rooms and suites, a day spa, restaurants and bar with ski-in, ski-out access and ski concierge, see aubergeresorts.com/madeline
Explore more: colorado.com; telluride.com
The writer travelled courtesy of Colorado Tourism Office and Telluride Tourism Board.